Brokenhearted

It's strange sometimes when I think of our instincts as women. That little hair standing up on the backs of our necks, that litte twinge, that nagging doubt. We've come to understand that we must trust that instinct and go with it. It never lies. That's how I found out my husband was having an affair.
I started noticing him receiving text messages and calls late at night. Even if he was half asleep he would jump up and grab that cell phone. I know that feeling, that euphoria all too well. But of course I brushed it off. I even made a comment to him one night after his tapping and tapping on his cell phone annoyed me "Tell your girlfriend to call at a decent time". I had no idea how right I was.
One day an impulse compelled me to grab our cell phone bill and take a look. And there was a number, repeated over and over: 542-6644. More then my own number on his call log. On one page, there were over 20 calls alone. I immediately confronted him about the number. "What number, Ingrid, what are you talking about"? "Oh, um, she's my friend JoJo from work, you know, the girl I give a ride to." First off, I don't know anything about his friend JoJo and a ride he gives her. And may I ask who calls for a ride to work at 12 a.m.? And if you work with her, why has she called you all throughout the day? Ridiculous.
My marriage has been troubled for a while now. We rarely have sex anymore, we're more like room-mates. I love my husband, but I can't say I'm in love with him. Things just aren't right anymore. Before our oldest son died, I had planned to leave. Once AJ passed, my plans changed. We had a common bond now. Grief. 8 months after AJ passed, his mother passed away after a tough battle with brain cancer. I certainly could not leave him now. So I stayed.
After we brought his mom home to Louisiana for burial, we liked the peace and solitude that Alexandria offered. We came back again and again to make sure we really wanted to live here, then we sold our house in Long Beach, California and moved to a small town right outside of Alexandria.
The first year was great, we bought a new house, furnished it, did the landscaping, we had a ball. It was like being newlyweds again. We did everything together. Then my husband decided to work for FedEx Ground as an Independent Contractor and I decided to work with him. It was tough being together 24/7 but we worked through it.
But as time went on, the same old feelings that I tried to run away from in California reared it's ugly head and my husband and I started to become distant again. It was tough to deal with, almost like my life was going in reverse.
So, here we are. Infidelity. Cheating. Chick on the side. But I must go on. I have my life to live. Who knows what the future holds, but I know this thing is not going to defeat me. I refuse to allow it to.